Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

Great Sex Quotes:
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
- Frank Sinatra

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
- George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
- Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
- Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
- Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. "
- Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
- Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
- Bob Hope

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde


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[Coss]

A Blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank. The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"Do you remember the plan?"

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Well let's go over it," says the Brunette. The day of the robbery the Brunette insists that they go over the plan again so they do.
"You have 5 Minutes," says the Brunette.
Twenty minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it.
The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for is gun.

The blonde says, "F*** this", she lets go of the safe, and runs to the car.

They are driving away and the Brunette screams. "YOU IDIOT, I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

Don't mess with Mom!

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[hawg_ryder]

More wisdom...

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’”
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!”

******

For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour??

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.

******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened!

******

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"

******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

******

A woman said to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replied: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!"


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[Coss]

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are ALL located in Washington DC.

 

[NSTG8R]

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are ALL located in Washington DC.

That's insulting to dipsticks! At least they're useful and easy to read!

 

[Ty]

 

[Coss]

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw you and I in jail.
Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police."

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." She turns to the ostrich, “What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night; so, I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something. But, you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

WELL HELLO!




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[Coss]

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door.
The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The firefighter says "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?"

The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my fire truck!"

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says.

"Thanks, mister" says the little girl.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles.
"Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."