Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A man had two parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female.
One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other.
He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female.

The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man.

The parrot called out to him, "Hey mister!"

When the man turned, the parrot said, "Were you caught fucking too?"

 

[Coss]

Dennis is worried about the size of his penis, so he goes to see a doctor. The doctor says, “Here take these pills every day for a week.”

Dennis is so frustrated that the first night he downs the whole bottle. A couple of days later, he and his wife go back to see the doctor.
Dennis says, “Doc, take a look at this.”

He takes off his pants and he’s got a five foot penis that reaches the floor. The doctor says, “Goodness I’m going to have to operate.”

His wife says, “How long do you think my husband will be in crutches?”

The doctor says, “On crutches?”

She says, “You are going to lengthen his legs, right?"

 

[Coss]

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis, that before undressing, he snapped off the light.

Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light on if you want to write thank you notes.”

 

[Coss]

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey boss, no work for me today, I'm feeling sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That always makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great! I'll be at work soon.

By the way, you got a nice house.

 

[Coss]

A guy walks up to a beautiful girl in a supper market says, "Excuse me, but I seemed to have lost my girl friend.
Would you mind standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?"

The girl replies, "I guess, but I don't see how that would help any?"

The guy answers, "Well, you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours, my girl friend appears out of nowhere."

 

[hawg_ryder]

Uh-Oh...

_hr

 

[Coss]

A blondie walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Bud light please."

He said, "Are you 18?"

She said, "No."

He said, "I can't serve you then."

As she walked out she thought to herself, "This is the fourth bar i have been in today. What does a 22 year old have to do to get a beer around here?"

 

[Coss]

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands.
"Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work."

"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!"

 

[Coss]

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

 

[Coss]

Tiger Woods was driving along a road in Europe in his brand new Mercedes.
When he stopped to get some petrol a guy said, “Wow that's a nice Mercedes!
My favorite are the seats, the wheels everything, great car!"

Then Tiger bent over and some tees fell out of his pocket.

"What are they?” the man asked.

"They’re tees" Tiger answered.

"What are they for?" the man asked.

"I use them to rest my balls on when I’m driving,” Tiger answered again.

"Oh, those Germans think of everything, don’t they!"