hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Caring Words From a Pilot
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Naval Fighter Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Naval Aviator sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum.”
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Naval Fighter Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Naval Aviator sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum.”
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After completing their shopping, these two friends were about to drive back home and one of them realized that she’d forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for birth-control pills.
Rushing into the nearest drugstore, she handed the prescription to the pharmacist. “Can you fill this quickly?” she asked.
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“I’ve got someone waiting in the car.”
Rushing into the nearest drugstore, she handed the prescription to the pharmacist. “Can you fill this quickly?” she asked.
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“I’ve got someone waiting in the car.”
On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."
After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.
Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class."
After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section.
Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"
An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu. A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.”
The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.
“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done.
“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.”
Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man.
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He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”
The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.
“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done.
“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.”
Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man.
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He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night"
You gotta love Grandmas!
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"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night"
You gotta love Grandmas!
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A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. “A guy will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here,” she tells him.
“What’s the nail for?”
“I guess it’s to hang up your pants.”
Satisfied that his wife had the instructions clear, the farmer leaves for town. That afternoon, the inseminator arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. “This is the cow right here,” she tells him.
“What’s the nail for?”
“I guess it’s to hang up your pants.”
A cab driver sees a woman hailing him down a busy street. He pulls over and is surprised when she gets in and sits down besides him on the front seat. She gives him an address and they drive off.
When they arrive at her address, the cab driver stops and shuts off the meter. “Okay,” he says, “that will be $10.50, please.”
The woman looks over and says to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money, but..." she says, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “maybe this will take care of it?”
The cabbie looks down and says, “Gee, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”
When they arrive at her address, the cab driver stops and shuts off the meter. “Okay,” he says, “that will be $10.50, please.”
The woman looks over and says to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money, but..." she says, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “maybe this will take care of it?”
The cabbie looks down and says, “Gee, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Merry Christmas Everyone!
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A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas. The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.”
To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?”
“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”
To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms. Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?”
“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”