hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber begins to give the man the closest shave he has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
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"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber begins to give the man the closest shave he has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
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"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
After noticing a beautiful young redhead sitting alone at the bar, a young stud confidently strolls over to her side and says, “What can I get you, gorgeous?”
The woman blushes and replies, “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
“Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”
The woman blushes and replies, “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
“Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”
champsman
Elio Addict
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
champsman
Elio Addict
A mother was practicing the alphabet with her four-year-old son,
Tommy. She showed him a picture of a truck and asked, "What is
this?"
"A truck," Tommy replied.
Then she pointed to the letter T and asked, "What does it start
with?"
"A key!" replied Tommy without hesitation.
Tommy. She showed him a picture of a truck and asked, "What is
this?"
"A truck," Tommy replied.
Then she pointed to the letter T and asked, "What does it start
with?"
"A key!" replied Tommy without hesitation.
champsman
Elio Addict
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."
"Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."
"That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!"
"Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."
"That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!"
champsman
Elio Addict
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
75
-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make us some coffee, and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM --- Okay.?!!!!'
75
-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make us some coffee, and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM --- Okay.?!!!!'
Ty
Elio Addict
My daughter loves dinosaurs and was trying to pronounce one of their names she was reading from a book. She was doing a pretty good job but this joke kept running through my head:
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus
I found an oldie but it's still a goodie:
Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favorite position is ‘the rodeo.’”
“How does that one work?” asks his friend.
“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style.
When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.'
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Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”
Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favorite position is ‘the rodeo.’”
“How does that one work?” asks his friend.
“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style.
When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.'
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Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”