Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Ty]

People like to talk about the weather and I usually hear "If you don't like the weather, wait 2 minutes." and I've been at a lot of places since I moved around a lot. My wife was checking on some friends at Minot, ND and said something about Minot having a lot of snow. Instantly, this came to me: "Minot's weather was so volatile. It was bi-polar." "Bi-polar?" She asked. "Yeah. At times, it felt like you were at the North Pole and other times, it felt like the South Pole."

 

[Coss]

Sam is on vacation.
After the first day his legs are painfully sunburned, so he goes to a doctor’s office.
The doctor examines his legs and says, “Try this.” He hands him a Viagra tablet.

Sam says, “What will this do to help my sunburn?”

The doctor replies, “Nothing, but it’ll keep the sheets off of your legs for a night.”

 

[gottemfeathers]

Crumpled Money

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very
seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse,
and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra,
and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively
reached into her tight, sheer panties.. and pulled out a crumpled Fifty
Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with
anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Look in the garage."

 

[Frim]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1675285029224834

you just have to live there

 

[JK]

Jim was very wealthy and very old. In fact, he was about to celebrate his 83rd birthday. He went to the doctor for a checkup. After giving him a thorough going-over, the physician said, "For a man who's about to be 83 years old, Jim, you're in marvelous shape. But why would you want a physical just a day before your birthday?"
The wealthy old man explained that that very afternoon he was going to marry an 18 year old girl.
The doctor tried with a great deal of effort to discourage him. "I'm going ahead with it no matter what", the old guy said. "Got any other suggestions, Doc?"
"Just one. If you want a really peaceful marriage, I suggest you take in a boarder." The geezer thought about it and said that sounded like a good idea.
The next time the doctor met the old man was at a fund-raising affair six months later. The codger came up to him and said, "Doc, congratulate me! My wife's pregnant!"
Trying to maintain his poise, the physician said, "Well, so at least you followed my advice and took in a boarder."
"Sure did," said the elderly gent, with a wicked grin.
"She's pregnant too!"

 

[JK]

"Check this out," said Ralph to his poker buddies. Last night while I was out drinking with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"He get anything?" asked one of his friends.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, several teeth knocked out and a pair of crushed nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

 

[gottemfeathers]

With my apologies in advance to cat lovers (full disclosure, I have two that "own" me)

How to Wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water bowl
   
2. Pick up your cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom
   
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
   
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
   
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “Power-Wash and Rinse”
   
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
   
7. Stand well back, as far away as you can and quickly lift the lid.
   
8. The Cat will rocket out of the toilet and streak through the house and run outside where he will dry himself off.
   
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
   

Sincerely yours,

The Dog

 

[Coss]

Good one.
I was laughing going in, yes, you are owned; I've got 4

 

[Johnny Acree]

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in cheese.

 

[Frim]

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill:

1. Wrap it in cheese.

While I was making the water bed, the wife's cat, Critter, was annoying me. She insisted on helping and wanted to be petted immediately. She stayed in my way as cats will sometimes do. .I placed my middle finger behind my thumb and I flicked Critter behind the ear. She promptly (very promptly) left the bedroom. That evening I was at a loss to explain why Critter would shred the water bed.