What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Homeless.
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
The crowded elevator had just begun to rise when one of the young women on board screamed and said, “I’ve been geesed!”
“You mean you have been goosed?” asked the man in front of her.
“Listen, buddy, I know how to count!”
“You mean you have been goosed?” asked the man in front of her.
“Listen, buddy, I know how to count!”
A couple had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’”
“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’”
“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”
larryboy
Elio Addict
Two ladies were talking one day and one confessed that she was so sick of cooking that she had opened a can of dog food for her husband and he had eaten all of it and seemed satisfied. Her friend said "My god, you can't feed him like that! He will die!" The first lady said "He seems to be ok and I am going to keep feeding him dog food as long as he will eat it." A couple of months later they met again and the first lady was looking real sad. Her friend said "It killed him, didn't it? What happened? Heart attack, stroke?" " No, he was laying in the middle of the street licking his dick and a truck ran over him!"
A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey.
The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole.
The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening.
Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.
A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar.
The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it.
The bartender, angry yet curious, again tells the man to leave. As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?"
The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."
The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole.
The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening.
Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.
A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar.
The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it.
The bartender, angry yet curious, again tells the man to leave. As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?"
The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."
Three guys went to a striptease joint.
The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the first guy and performed her dance for him.
He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek.
It stuck.
Then she proceeded to the second guy.
She did her same dance and the guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek.
It stuck.
She then went to the third guy and performed her dance.
The third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash.
So he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.
The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the first guy and performed her dance for him.
He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek.
It stuck.
Then she proceeded to the second guy.
She did her same dance and the guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek.
It stuck.
She then went to the third guy and performed her dance.
The third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash.
So he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.
A British pilot during W.W.II was shot down over Germany.
In the hospital, he was told that his left leg had to be amputated.
He asked for it to be parachuted down over England. This was done.
A week later, his right leg had to go, and he asked for the same thing to be done.
A week later his left arm had the same fate.
A short time later, when his right arm was about to be taken off, he asked for the arm to be dropped over England like the other limbs.
He met with a refusal by the German doctor.
The answer he received was, "No! We think that you are trying to escape."
In the hospital, he was told that his left leg had to be amputated.
He asked for it to be parachuted down over England. This was done.
A week later, his right leg had to go, and he asked for the same thing to be done.
A week later his left arm had the same fate.
A short time later, when his right arm was about to be taken off, he asked for the arm to be dropped over England like the other limbs.
He met with a refusal by the German doctor.
The answer he received was, "No! We think that you are trying to escape."
A farmer and his wife were outside in their field and saw a spaceship land.
Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said, "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out about your human sex life. Will you swap partners with us for a day?"
The farmer and his wife agreed.
The next morning, the farmer asked his wife, "What happened?"
His wife replied, "It was the best sex I ever had! When he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long, and when he turned his right ear, it grew as fat as a sausage.”
Then the farmer screamed, "Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"
Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said, "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out about your human sex life. Will you swap partners with us for a day?"
The farmer and his wife agreed.
The next morning, the farmer asked his wife, "What happened?"
His wife replied, "It was the best sex I ever had! When he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long, and when he turned his right ear, it grew as fat as a sausage.”
Then the farmer screamed, "Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"
While traveling in West Virginia a man noticed an old gentleman standing in his front yard with a shovel in his hand wiping the sweat from his brow crying.
Concerned, the man stopped and asked him what was wrong.
"I just got finished burying Old Blue. The best old dog I ever had," he sobbed.
Looking around at six holes dug, the man asked him why he had to dig six holes to bury one dog.
He said, "Boy, don't you know nuthin! The first five holes were too small."
Concerned, the man stopped and asked him what was wrong.
"I just got finished burying Old Blue. The best old dog I ever had," he sobbed.
Looking around at six holes dug, the man asked him why he had to dig six holes to bury one dog.
He said, "Boy, don't you know nuthin! The first five holes were too small."
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut.
As she eats a snack cake, the barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too."
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut.
As she eats a snack cake, the barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too."