Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Ty]

Returning home after a 3 day bender, my wife angrily met me at the door and said "How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?"
"Well, that'd be just fine with me!"
I didn't see her the next day or the day after that. But, on the third day, the swelling went down enough that I could just make her out through the slit in my eye if I looked to the side just right!

#5,000...

 

[Coss]

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the balls to say, “You're next.”

 

[Mel]

Got paid. Stopped by the bar for a few. Eventually got home about 3am. Wife met me at the door and said. "Where have you been? I guess you spent your entire paycheck! How much money do you have left?" Looking through my wallet I found $3.50. She said, "Just how long do you think I can live on $3.50?" I replied, "Well your don't drink, you don't smoke, and you got your own twat! Hell, you can live forever!"
I'll be back vertical in a few weeks.

 

[Mel]

Came home with a Lotto ticket and asked my wife, "What would you do if I came home with a winning Lotto ticket?" She replied, "I would take my half and you would never see me again!" "That's just what I thought you'd say. I won $4. Here's your 2. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

 

[BrianRosenthal]

An oldie, but timely one....

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"

 

[Coss]

But is was fitting for this time of year, and kind of funny

 

[Trusting]

In heaven the cooks are French, the mechanics are German and the police are English.

In hell the cooks are English, the mechanics are French and the police are German

 

[Coss]

A woman goes to her doctor for a physical.
The doctor notices she seems a little down he asks her what’s going on.
“Well, my husband has lost that loving feeling, it's been months."

The doctor suggests she get him some Viagra.
"Oh, he'd never agree to that."

The Doctor says, "Here take a sample and slip it in his morning coffee and see what happens."

The wife agrees and makes an appointment for the following week.
She returns the following week and the Doctor asked, “How did it go?"

The wife replied, "Both good and bad.
I did what you said and while we were having breakfast I slipped it in his morning coffee.
It wasn’t very long when he got that gleam in his eye and took me right there on the table.
It was as wonderful as our honeymoon 30 years ago."

The Doctor looked confused. "So what’s the bad part?"

The wife looked at him sheepishly, "We're banned from McDonalds for life."

 

[Coss]

At a lingerie store, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.
"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.
I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.


He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

 

[Coss]

A small girl’s father asked her what she would most like for Christmas.
The girl, knowing that her mother was expecting, replied, “A baby brother.”

To everyone’s delight, the mother came back from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a baby boy in her arms.
Some time later, the father said to his daughter, “And next Christmas what would you like?”

“Well,” said the girl, after some thought, “If it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for Mom, I’d like a pony.”