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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

champsman

champsman

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During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a
note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call
someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering
to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right
side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from
maintenance!"
 
Ekh

Ekh

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Coss said:
If doesn't violate copyright; if you go back through the thread you'll find others just like it so it's not necessary to delete it.
Click to expand...
It is in fact a violation of copyright. It should be deleted. However, it's doubtful that anybody gives a c**p, so fuggedabout it.
 
Ekh

Ekh

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champsman said:
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other
liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more
government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her
father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on
the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was
doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,
she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus;
college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots
of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard
for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey
has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my
tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the
conservative side of the fence."

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great
test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for
everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him..

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for
it, or may choose a job that provides it..
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a
good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."
Click to expand...
Where's the delete button?
 
Ekh

Ekh

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The judge is sick of drug users clogging the courts and decides to try something new. The next 6 people up on drug charges draw this innovative sentence: they were to be out of jail for 2 months. During that time they were to persuade as many other people as possible to swear in writing they would not use drugs again. After two months, the men would report the results to the judge, who would check the names against the court docket. If any of the names showed up, they would go back to jail.

To help them, the judge said, they would be given instructional tools and information they could use. All the convicts agreed to try it.

Two months go by, and all of the men meet with the judge. Most of the men had signatures from at least 3 people, and only one of the names showed up on the docket, so that man went to jail. The judge asked what they had done, and they said they had used the "this is your mind on drugs" card, and it scared people, so they agreed to stay off drugs.

Your mind on drugs 2.jpg


You know, the one that says, this big circle is you mind and the little one is your mind on drugs. "Worked pretty good," they said. The judge thought this was a modest success, and was pleased.

The last convict stepped forward. "How did it go?," asked the judge.

"I talked to twenty people," said the convict. "Here's the list." The judge checked, and none of them had been in court. Wow! This was something! "This is great," he said. "What did you do that was different?"

The man said, "well I used the card, but I used it different," and showed the judge the card.



Your mind on drugs jail 2.jpg


"I just told them, the little circle is their butt hole, and the big circle is their butt hole after they've been in jail for using drugs. Worked great!"
 
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