Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." ........................................................................

 

[Coss]

Why do hunters make better lovers?

1. They always go deep into the bush.

2. They always shoot twice.

3. They always eat what they kill.

 

[Mark BEX]

I'm still laughing 10 minutes later ....

 

[hawg_ryder]

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
"They usually saluted and said:
"Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?"



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[Coss]

Three older gentlemen in a nursing home are discussing their nightly Bathroom habits.
The first guy says, "I have to get up every 2 hours and take a wiz, but I stand there and only dribble a little bit an nothing hardly comes out."

The 2nd guy says, "I know exactly what you mean, the same thing happens with me."
The 3rd guy is not saying anything. The other two ask him if he has any problems.

He replies, "At about 5am every day I whiz like a race horse on a rock, and by 6am I have the best bowel movement every day."

As the other two guys are listening one asks him, "That's not really a problem is it?"

He replies, "For me it is, I don't get up till about 7am." ..........................................................

 

[Coss]

It has recently been brought to our attention that a definite parallel exists between a Martini and woman’s breasts…

One is not enough, and three are too many!

 

[hawg_ryder]

For all you bird lovers!

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

A little bit too much truth in this one!



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[Coss]

Dear Dr. Jones,

I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years.
He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, whether ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mails, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Ccinsely ous,,, mdyl