Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Ty]

Got that right!

View attachment 22693

hr_

Now THAT made me want to watch Taken this weekend. Well, that AND it made me laugh. Hey, NOW I want to watch Jack Reacher and now John Wick. Man, I'm all over the place! Hey, if you want to watch an actor who REALLY trained for a job, watch this:
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?...5DB3722E1F4B80BEB6A55DB3722E1F4B80B&FORM=VIRE

 

[DikiJ]

Some come here to sit and think…

Some come here to shit and stink…

I come here to scratch my balls…

And read the writing on the walls.

He who writes on shitroom walls
rolls his shit in little balls.
He who reads those lines of wit
eats those balls of shit.

 

[hawg_ryder]

Now THAT made me want to watch Taken this weekend. Well, that AND it made me laugh. Hey, NOW I want to watch Jack Reacher and now John Wick. Man, I'm all over the place! Hey, if you want to watch an actor who REALLY trained for a job, watch this:
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?...5DB3722E1F4B80BEB6A55DB3722E1F4B80B&FORM=VIRE

Hey Ty... Don't forget Denzel in the Equalizer!
_hr

 

[Coss]

Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers.
She says to her friend, "Shit, I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers, he always expects something from me”.

Her friend says, "What’s wrong with that? I think its sweet."

The girl replies, "I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days.”

"Why don't you just buy a vase?"...…………………….

 

[Ty]

Me: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Daughter: I don't know.
Me: Ten-tickles.
Daughter: Blank stare.
Me: Tentacles. Ten tickles?
Daughter: Dad, they have 8.
Me:

 

[hawg_ryder]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of
those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls.

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

I agree!!!!

_hr

 

[Coss]

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal, is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,
But now I’ve got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!

 

[Mel]

"I might be too old to cut the mustard but I can still lick the jar!"

 

[Coss]

A man goes to his doctor for his annual exam.
After some tests, the doctor comes in and says, "I have some bad news, you'll only have 18 more erections in your life."

The man, disheartened, rushes home. "Honey!" he yells.
"I'm only going to have 18 more erections in my life!"

His wife, horrified, says, " Well, that's okay, we'll just have to use them sparingly, that is all."
-
-
-
-
-
--
-
-

The man says, "What in the hell are you talking about? You're not on the list."