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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
OK, your point? Or is it .... oh never mind .... 
bighammer
Elio Addict
Coss, those are pretty old, (by the number of them referring to a quarter for a phone call) but so am I.
In my younger days, I used to fantasize about getting into a woman's pants.
Now I seem to fantasize more about getting into my own.
In my younger days, I used to fantasize about getting into a woman's pants.
Now I seem to fantasize more about getting into my own.
Hmmm I'm no spring chicken myself, but a quarter for a phone call? Isn't that why they invented cell phones?
Last time I saw a pay phone, it was $1.50 for the first minute, but that not where I was going with what I said.
I was aiming more towards the shape of someone's head compared to a pencil, but I digress.
More or less, ohhhh never mind.
Back to thread topic, jokes and the such.
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Last time I saw a pay phone, it was $1.50 for the first minute, but that not where I was going with what I said.
I was aiming more towards the shape of someone's head compared to a pencil, but I digress.
More or less, ohhhh never mind.
Back to thread topic, jokes and the such.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
gottemfeathers
Elio Addict
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
I went to the store the other day.
I was only in there for about five minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name, he glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
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But I didn't care.
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My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. .........
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I was only in there for about five minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name, he glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
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But I didn't care.
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My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. .........
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Johnny Acree
Elio Addict
- Joined
- May 12, 2014
- Messages
- 1,530
- Reaction score
- 2,573
No it's not. Jokes are funny.
Ty
Elio Addict
...and not just funny looking.
How's this one then:
A hot girl walks into the doctor's office and sits down.
The doctor sees that the woman is extremely hot.
He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing?"
She says, "Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?"
"Yeah, o yeah."
After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?"
"Yes, that's exactly it, feeling for cancer."
After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
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She says, "Yes I do! You are checking for genital warts because you know that’s why I came here."
A hot girl walks into the doctor's office and sits down.
The doctor sees that the woman is extremely hot.
He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing?"
She says, "Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?"
"Yeah, o yeah."
After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
"Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?"
"Yes, that's exactly it, feeling for cancer."
After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"
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She says, "Yes I do! You are checking for genital warts because you know that’s why I came here."
Or this:
He accidentally kills his neighbor's chicken.
He goes to her house to inform her and he says, "I accidentally killed your chicken, but I am willing to replace it."
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The neighbor looks at him, smiles, and says, "That depends, how many eggs can you lay in a week?”
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He accidentally kills his neighbor's chicken.
He goes to her house to inform her and he says, "I accidentally killed your chicken, but I am willing to replace it."
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The neighbor looks at him, smiles, and says, "That depends, how many eggs can you lay in a week?”
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