Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Travelbuzz1]

I don't normally post jokes but this one's give us a giggle:

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution to escape a possible conflict, even when smashed out of my mind.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. [Whew! Got away with that one!]
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
"Why?" I asked her.
She said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

 

[BrianRosenthal]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed and say, 'How about it baby?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 

[Ty]

If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims!

That's your May Joke...

May the Fourth be with you!

 

[champsman]

Very few are aware that there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or to people with Balls.

Do they, however, know the difference between the two?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal, Volume 3; page 295, Article (iii):

GUTS - Arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcomes - both are fatal.

 

[Frim]

Do you think you can define this complicated word?

RUN

Go ahead, try. Keep this in mind though:
Context is everything. Think about it: When you run a fever, for example, those three letters have a very different meaning than when you run a bath to treat it, or when your bathwater subsequently runs over and drenches your cotton bath runner, forcing you to run out to the store and buy a new one. There, you run up a bill of $85 because besides a rug and some cold medicine, you also need some thread to fix the run in your stockings and some tissue for your runny nose and a carton of milk because you’ve run through your supply at home, and all this makes dread run through your soul because your value-club membership runs out at the end of the month and you’ve already run over your budget on last week’s grocery run when you ran over a nail in the parking lot and now your car won’t even run properly because whatever idiot runs that WalMart apparently lets his custodial staff run amok and you know you’re letting your inner monologue run on and on but, Man, you’d do things differently if you ran the world. Maybe you should run for office.


Forget it. I'm going to go on a run.

You are not very busy, are you?

 

[Coss]

The average male blue whale produces about 425 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates.
But only about 10% of this goes into his mate.

So this means 385 gallons of sperm is dropped into the ocean every time a whale ejaculates.

And you still wonder why the ocean is so salty???

 

[Coss]

Two buddies are sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked one of the guys.

“Not exactly,” his friend replies.
“She’s more into being a trick dog.”

“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

“Well, not exactly."
"Whenever I make a move, she rolls over and plays dead.”

 

[Ty]

You are not very busy, are you?

LOL

no

 

[Travelbuzz1]

You can make a sign or a decal like this to place on your present mode of transportation.

 

[Ty]

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You’re late!" she yells. "You said you’d be home by 11:45!''Actually,' the mathematician replies coolly, 'I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach"

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve minors"

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

Remember - you can never trust atoms. They make up everything.