Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Muzhik]

Nah, this is a common attitude of all servicemen. It was always better in the good old days. Your last command was always better than the current one. (Or more screwed up, if the conversation is about how screwed up the current command is...)

It's not that! The problem is how the recruits today couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. Nothing like when you and I were serving, right?

(For the record, I never served. I just listened to too many vets talk about what it was like when they first signed up.)

 

[Coss]

Thanks for posting this. My ex didn't like him because she doesn't like insult comedy. I liked him because everything was so extreme and kept coming at such a pace (kinda like with early Robin Williams) that you couldn't help but laugh. Will always remember him as Crapgame in "Kelly's Heroes".

Don Rickles was on Kelly's Heroes? Really, how many times was he on there?

 

[Maurtis]

Don Rickles was on Kelly's Heroes? Really, how many times was he on there?

Kelly's Heroes, the Clint Eastwood WWII bank heist movie. I remember watching that movie so many times as a kid, it was one of my dad's favorites. Not Hogan's Heroes, but that was also up there on my dad's list.

 

[Ty]

Do you think you can define this complicated word?

RUN

Go ahead, try. Keep this in mind though:
Context is everything. Think about it: When you run a fever, for example, those three letters have a very different meaning than when you run a bath to treat it, or when your bathwater subsequently runs over and drenches your cotton bath runner, forcing you to run out to the store and buy a new one. There, you run up a bill of $85 because besides a rug and some cold medicine, you also need some thread to fix the run in your stockings and some tissue for your runny nose and a carton of milk because you’ve run through your supply at home, and all this makes dread run through your soul because your value-club membership runs out at the end of the month and you’ve already run over your budget on last week’s grocery run when you ran over a nail in the parking lot and now your car won’t even run properly because whatever idiot runs that WalMart apparently lets his custodial staff run amok and you know you’re letting your inner monologue run on and on but, Man, you’d do things differently if you ran the world. Maybe you should run for office.


Forget it. I'm going to go on a run.

 

[CompTrex]

Do you think you can define this complicated word?

RUN

Go ahead, try. Keep this in mind though:
Context is everything. Think about it: When you run a fever, for example, those three letters have a very different meaning than when you run a bath to treat it, or when your bathwater subsequently runs over and drenches your cotton bath runner, forcing you to run out to the store and buy a new one. There, you run up a bill of $85 because besides a rug and some cold medicine, you also need some thread to fix the run in your stockings and some tissue for your runny nose and a carton of milk because you’ve run through your supply at home, and all this makes dread run through your soul because your value-club membership runs out at the end of the month and you’ve already run over your budget on last week’s grocery run when you ran over a nail in the parking lot and now your car won’t even run properly because whatever idiot runs that WalMart apparently lets his custodial staff run amok and you know you’re letting your inner monologue run on and on but, Man, you’d do things differently if you ran the world. Maybe you should run for office.


Forget it. I'm going to go on a run.

Sounds like you've got the ....
Nah, not gonna do it...

 

[Muzhik]

Kelly's Heroes, the Clint Eastwood WWII bank heist movie. I remember watching that movie so many times as a kid, it was one of my dad's favorites. Not Hogan's Heroes, but that was also up there on my dad's list.

I remember being in business meetings where you could always identify a fellow fan by the sudden interjection of "Always with the negative waves, man!"

After seeing the movie, my older brother told me that Don Rickles originally wasn't supposed to survive when they were in the village and his character broke his leg, but by that time in the filming everyone in the crew had fallen in love with him so they had to rewrite the script!

 

[Hootersnoocher]

Anyone mention that he was a WWII vet and Pacific Marine Hero? Semper Fi brother

 

[Hootersnoocher]

I'm from Virginia! Do I get a shot?

Once you loose it, you loose it Virginia

 

[booboo]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'
- Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'
- Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'
- Thomas Brackett Reed

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'
- Billy Wilder

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'
- Abraham Lincoln

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. '
- Winston Churchill

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

[Hootersnoocher]

Now see, that's like how my tired old laptop interacts with this and other sites on the internet. I have a hard time getting things posted and even harder time liking my posts!