Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[NSTG8R]

It went right where I thought it would.

That was the intent of joke, but you [we] just say it to yourself. No need to answer. No analysis required.

There was a young man from Nantucket,
His....

Same kind of thing.

Okay...back to your regular programming. Made me LOL literally, but it's been around awhile.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[Ty]

Bob and Mary are up there in age. They are sitting there watching TV.
Bob: I'm getting some ice cream. Would you like some?
Mary: Sure. Vanilla. Write it down, you'll forget it.
Bob: Hush woman. I won't forget.
Mary: Sprinkles. Put some sprinkles on it. and fudge. Write it down. You'll forget.
Bob: I'm not writing it down. Vanilla. sprinkles. fudge.
Mary: Write it down.
Bob: No. I'll be right back. {goes into kitchen}
{There's some banging around in the kitchen and it's been almost 20 minutes.}
Mary: {I'll bet he forgot and messed it up}
Bob: {coming back into the living room with two plates} Here's your scrambled eggs.
Mary: Eggs? I knew you'd forget the bacon.

 

[Hootersnoocher]

It went right where I thought it would.

What else could have happened? Like, If you lead a drunk to a bar, He's bound to order a drink. And round for my friend, (he's buying).

 

[NSTG8R]

The Duck Hunter



Chester lives next to a lake. Earl, Chester's brother-in-law, is visiting from up-state for some duck shooting.



Early the next morning Chester says "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out on the lake. If there aren't many ducks, we won't hunt today. Its not worth it. We'll wait a day.

So Chester calls his dog, mutters some commands and sends the dog out to the lake. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well, I'm not going out. He only saw two ducks.

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "Impossible. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, ask him". So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one Chester has.

The breeder says that, yes, he has a fully trained duck dog for $2,500. Earl pays the price without question, brings the dog home and immediately drives out into the country close to his favourite blind. He orders the new dog to go search for ducks and report back..

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl returns home, phones the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says " Earl, don't you understand? Dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at"

<Edited to meet standards>

 

[Coss]

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickens**t joint are you running?” he claimed.

“What’s the problem, sir?" the confused desk clerk asked.

“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun," shouted the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knees and give him oral sex or he’d blast my brains all over the room!”

“Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?”

The guest screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”

 

[Uncle Charlie]

Three couples were travelling together and killed in a car crash. Soon, they found themselves before St. Peter. St. Peter turned to Steve and indicated he would not be entering heaven as he loved money so much he married a woman named Penny. Next, St. Peter had similar news for Bill who loved alcohol so much he married a woman named Sherry. The third guy turned to his wife and said, "I don't stand a chance, Fanny."

 

[Ty]

Scientists in Nome, Alaska are studying the effects of eating tea leaves at night before bed. They put out a 1-800 number with the slogan "Eat tea, phone Nome."

This was more funny in the late 80s...

 

[Bamdalam]

A man playing golf with his wife sliced way off the fairway. The ball landed between a barn, and the green. The wife said "I know what to do. I'll open both doors on each end of the barn, and you can shoot straight through to the green!".
The man thought that was a good idea, so he agreed. The wife opened the doors on both ends of the barn, and WACK, he shot straight through the barn, but the ball ricocheted off a support beam, and hit his wife straight between the eye's. Killed her on the spot.
Several years later, he was playing the same course with friends, but couldn't forget the tragedy that happened there years ago.
Low and behold, he sliced exactly like hid did when playing with his wife that fateful day.
One of his friends said "I know what to do. I'll open both doors on each end of the barn, and you can shoot straight through to the green".
The man said "oh no. Last time I did that, I got a 9 on this hole".

 

[Rickb]

Three couples were travelling together and killed in a car crash. Soon, they found themselves before St. Peter. St. Peter turned to Steve and indicated he would not be entering heaven as he loved money so much he married a woman named Penny. Next, St. Peter had similar news for Bill who loved alcohol so much he married a woman named Sherry. The third guy turned to his wife and said, "I don't stand a chance, Fanny."

Reminded me of my best neighbors ever as a kid..........Fanny & Hiney.

 

[Hootersnoocher]

The Duck Hunter



Chester lives next to a lake. Earl, Chester's brother-in-law, is visiting from up-state for some duck shooting.



Early the next morning Chester says "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out on the lake. If there aren't many ducks, we won't hunt today. Its not worth it. We'll wait a day.

So Chester calls his dog, mutters some commands and sends the dog out to the lake. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well, I'm not going out. He only saw two ducks.

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "Impossible. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, ask him". So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one Chester has.

The breeder says that, yes, he has a fully trained duck dog for $2,500. Earl pays the price without question, brings the dog home and immediately drives out into the country close to his favourite blind. He orders the new dog to go search for ducks and report back..

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl returns home, phones the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says " Earl, don't you understand? Dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f***ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at"

<Edited to meet standards>

I could only give it one thumb up so here's another!