Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Two Woodpeckers

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck!

The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem

. The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

 

[Karnaj]

Unless I've missed them you all have missed...

F&%$er Only Runs Downhill
Move Over People Are Racing
&
A boat is only a hole in the water you throw money into.

 

[DWR]

Unless I've missed them you all have missed...

F&%$er Only Runs Downhill
Move Over People Are Racing
&
A boat is only a hole in the water you throw money into.

B.O.A.T.
Break Out Another Thousand!

 

[Karnaj]

Ok, so what do you call 2 gay Irishman?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

(Before the stones are thrown, my dad loves that joke.... and no he isn't gay, but his husband is )

 

[Karnaj]

So does anyone know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it's worth it!!!!

Don't tell my wife I said that

 

[champsman]

When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service,
he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down
to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take
his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked
the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

 

[champsman]

An old man gets up every morning, goes out in front of
his house, and sprinkles a white powder up and down the
street.

One day, a neighbor who has watched his routine for many
years confronts him. “What is this powder you sprinkle
on the street every morning?”

“It's special elephant powder,” the old man said. “It
keeps the elephants away.”

“But,” says the neighbor. “Everybody knows that there
are no elephants in Nebraska.”

The old man just nodded, “I guess it must be working,
then.”

 

[champsman]

At a local juice bar, a young woman was expounding on
her idea of the perfect mate to the old lady that owned
the bar.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at
night!"
The old granny couldn't take it anymore and spoke up,
"Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

[champsman]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other
liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more
government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her
father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on
the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was
doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all
her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,
she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus;
college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots
of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard
for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey
has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my
tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the
conservative side of the fence."

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great
test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for
everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him..

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for
it, or may choose a job that provides it..
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a
good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

 

[Karnaj]

Three Asian triplet brides to be are in a bar talking about their upcoming wedding. One of them happens to mention the family tradition of new husbands getting a tatoo of a dragon on their wedding night. The oldest triplet asks the other two, "I want my husband to have dragon on arm, where do you want yours?". The middle sister states, "I want my husband dragon on back." The youngest starts to giggle... "You both wrong, I want my husband dragon on floor..."

Wait how'd that go.... oh yeah "rimshot"